An Amazing Dream Turned Into A Living Nightmare
My heart is heavy and in distress. I've held back my tears, attempting to be strong for my fiance. It is difficult to face the death of my son, and watching Erin grieve is more then I can handle. I feel so helpless. How can I comfort her when my own heart is breaking?
I sometimes find myself jealous of Erin. She at least held Micah in her womb. My arms are empty and so is my heart. People seem to think it is only the mother who grieves. Everyone always asks me the same question: "How is your fiance doing?" No one asks how I'm doing! Don't they know it is also my baby who died? I have even had people tell me "You'r young yet, you have plenty of time to have more kids". I have come to realize that people are ignorant and heartless. I have lost hope in relying on people outside of my family for support. At times I feel I have lost myself along with my son. My good natured loving spirit is now cold and lonely. Why should I continue to be kind and courteous to others when this is how I'm rewarded. I feel disconnected from life in so many ways. What did I do to get dealt such a horrible hand? I think about this everyday.
I would have been such a good father to Micah. All of my dreams and hopes assosiated with my son are shattered. I watched the news tonight and heard of an infant beaten to death by his father on the side of the road. He stopped his car, took his son out and beat him to death because he was crying. I screamed inside at God for allowing that man to have a child and taking mine. What did I do to get dealt such a horrible hand? Why did an undeserving father get to kill his own son, when you did not let me hear mine cry? I think about this everyday. It's not fair! My anger and grief seem unbearable. I want to blame someone, yet I know that is irrational. I wish I could have done something that would have stopped the most devastating event from happening. I wish I would have done something to different to change the outcome.
I'm thankful for the support and strength my wife has showed me throughout this struggle. Without her I would not be here today. Together we will face this haunting battle the rest of our lives. Together we will help eachother cope with with the pain. One day our hearts will mend into a force so strong that nothing will compromise our love for eachother and our love for our family.