*OUR ANGEL MICAH*

Micah,

I can't believe you're turning three years old already. It's been three hard years without you here. As I'm writing this, it's 8:26 pm on June 28th, 2010. At this time three years ago, you were inside your mommy's belly. You were happy and healthy, kicking all around. Aunt Meg and I spent that night up in Dover because we knew you would soon be on your way. We didn't want to miss anything. We slept in your nursery that night. I remember it took me a while to fall asleep because all I could think about was how you would be there soon and I couldn't wait to meet my first nephew. I laid awake with excitement and thought about what you would look like and the personality you would have. I never thought you would be taken from us so soon. Eventually, I fell asleep that night..

The next morning your mommy walked into the nursery and woke us up. She was holding her shorts and I could see they were a little wet. She looked at us, smiled a little and said, "guys I think my water broke." I remember jumping up with excitement. Your mommy had her last prenatal appointment that morning so we hurried up to get ready, thinking you would be coming that day.. We ate at Dunkin Donuts that morning. At the appointment, they told your mommy she was effaced but not dilated and that you would be coming sometime soon. They sent us to the hospital where your mommy was hooked up to monitors. We couldn't all go back so Oma went back with Mommy and Aunt Meg and I waited in the waiting room. We took turns going back. Oma and I sat in the waiting room talking about what we were going to buy from the gift shop when you arrived. When I went back, I saw you moving on the screen. It was the last time I saw your heart beating. While I was back with Mommy, she started to cry. She knew she wasn't getting the attention from the doctor that she needed. I didn't understand why she was crying. I tried comforting her and she kept saying she was scared. I told her everything would be okay. Little did I know, it wouldn't be okay. Her heart was going to be ripped open the next day.. They made us leave the hospital. Your mommy was leaking fluid and they made us leave. Why couldn't they induce her? You were already past due. If I had known you were going to grow your wings the next day, I never would've walked out of that hospital. I’ve felt this enormous amount of guilt for walking out that day. I think we all do. We were the last ones to see your heart still beating on that screen, and we left the hospital. I feel like somehow we let you down, even though I know that’s nonsense. We couldn’t have known what was going to happen or that something was truly wrong. The “doctor” told us everything was okay. Doctors are supposed to know what's best for their patients. 

I went back home and the night of June 30th, I went to the Gettysburg carnival with my friend Britani. We happened to run into my friend George too. I was wearing jean capris, a grey tank top and my black and white star sweatshirt. We were sitting on benches when Oma called me saying she was taking your mommy to the hospital. I got a burst of excitement. Then the three of us got on a ride.. The whole time my mind was focused on you. Something didn't feel right to me. I had a sick feeling in my stomach. When we got off the ride, Oma called me back. It was then, at 10:42pm, that I got the phonecall that broke my heart. She told me that you were gone and that she needed to go. I had to call Aunt Debbie, Aunt Meg and Uncle Bill and tell them. I didn't know what to say or do. All I could think about was your poor mommy. You were inside of her, with your wings already full grown. I went back to Britani's house and waited for my dad to get me. I sat in her room all alone, crying. My dad and I went to go get Aunt Meg and then headed up to the hospital. The hospital that we had been in the day before while you were still here. We waited in that same waiting room.. When Opa took Aunt Meg and me back to your mommy's room, we could hear her screaming from down the hall. I walked in and saw Mommy laying there, exhausted. She was so broken. I saw her big round belly, carrying an angel boy. I felt so helpless. I knew nothing I could say or do would ease your mommy's pain and it was a horrible feeling. Most of the time in the hospital is a blur. I remember how bad my head hurt from crying. It felt like something exploded inside of my head. I couldn't eat anything. I barely slept that night. 

The next morning I woke up before everyone, and I went in your mommy's room. I held her hand and told her I loved her. I remember standing by her side for hours at a time, holding her hand. She would look at me and ask what she did wrong and why she couldn't have you there. It broke my heart even more. She did NOTHING wrong. I know that. You know that. Everyone knows that. You have the best mommy in the world. She was so careful to stay away from anything that would hurt you. She did everything she could to protect you. When it was time for Mommy to deliver you, the rest of us waited in the next room. You were born at 12:56pm. Then, I remember Oma coming in and saying how beautiful you were. I only got to hold you for a few minutes, but I'll never forget them. I held you in my arms, being careful to cradle every inch of your fragile body even though you were already up in Heaven. You were the most beautiful baby I had ever seen. You were a big boy with lots of hair. I remember whispering that I loved you and kissing your innocent little face. That moment was so bittersweet. I was so happy to see you and I loved you all the same, but I knew we would never be able to do all the things we had planned for you. 

Visiting you in Baby Land is hard but at the same time, it’s very peaceful. I wish I could visit you more. Whenever we’re there I honestly feel like you are right there too, telling us not to cry and to try to be happy. I know you would never want to see any of us hurt. I can see you up in Heaven looking down on your mommy and whispering, “Mommy, don’t cry. I’m okay and I love you” to her every time she’s having a rough day. I know you are always with Mommy, Daddy and C. Mommy always seems to find a wish when she’s having a hard time and I know it helps her keep her chin up. And I know you are always there protecting your little sissy. You watch every move she makes to make sure she’s okay. She has her own guardian angel J

It's been three years. Three very challenging years. Since then, you've sent our family a miracle. Your baby sister. You left us to give your sissy life. You are such a good big brother. You were sent to touch our hearts and then you sent Caydence to help mend them. You sent a miracle to us, to be our light. Through C we've gotten to see a part of you. When I look at that little girl, I think of you. Thank you for sending her to us. and for protecting her. you are the best big brother she could ever ask for. She's going to grow up knowing all about her angel big brother and how special and BEAUTIFUL he is. 

I never knew how much my heart could hurt until we lost you. My heart breaks for your mommy and daddy. I know how bad I hurt and miss you, and I can't even imagine how bad it hurts them.  They lost a piece of them, their first baby boy. Please comfort them and show them you love them and that you are okay. Knowing you're still around helps them. You have a family that loves you more than anything. Any of us would do anything to have you here.. I remember when we first lost you, I asked God to take me instead. To do ANYTHING but take you away from us. There’s nothing we wanted more than to have you here. And there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think of the day that we’ll get to hold you and give you so many kisses! I love you, Micah Corrin King. That will never ever change. You will hold a special place in my heart, forever. My biggest purpose in life has become spreading our family's story and stillbirth awareness. I truly believe YOU are saving other babies' lives. You are a special boy that has impacted so many lives, and I'm so proud to call you my nephew. I love you, Pumpkin. Until the end of time. XOXOXOX!

Love,

Aunt Kirsten